My heart is like a loudspeaker, that's always on eleven...

My my. It’s been a long time since I’ve posted, hasn’t it? Four and a half months. *whistles*

So, what’s new with me? Graduated (hard to believe) and currently pursuing two jobs...in Denver...which, if you didn’t know, is where I’d really like to stay. On top of that fact, the two jobs are ones that I think are dead-on exact fits of what I’d like to do. One is at Lockheed Martin and one is at ULA: both at the same facility in Littleton, both very good jobs. Both involve using 3D modeling software such as Solidworks or Pro-E in the design of mechanical products, and both include the actual testing of those products. That is so what I want to do! I want to go to work everyday and have a new problem to solve. I want to be on the team that’s actually designing the systems, whether they be engines, control systems, energy conversion systems, etc. My dad took his engineering career in the more managerial direction, so he hasn’t done any design work in a job in over 10 years. That is not the path I wish to take. I want to be designing, designing, designing. Running the numbers, think think thinking, beating my head against the wall to come up with solutions, and then after much hard work seeing the fruits of my labor and remarking “Now ain’t THAT cool!” If I could get a job in actual engineering design, I would be so happy. The internship I had in summer 2009 was one in which the engineers at the place I worked only ran analysis on the designs of engineers from another company to make sure they were okay. They only checked them. I would be grateful for any job right now, but I have to admit, I think the thing I would enjoy doing most is being the engineer on the drawing board, coming up with the blueprints. And if I could do that in the Denver area and stay at Denver United, I think I’d have blessings gushing out of ears. Whatever is best, Lord. Your will be done.

God has taught me (I failed the lesson several times, and am still not too savvy at it) that while it is okay to want things, I need to want Him more. That is the only way I can avoid making idols out of things. Yes, there is a type of job I want, and there are certain companies at which I would like to get that job, and there is a certain geographical area where I would like to live to work at one of those companies. That’s all fine, as long as my own personal wants do not become my needs. I may not get my dream job, it may not be at an eminent company like Lockheed Martin, and the job I do get could be in Colorado or it could be up in Alaska. But it will be good, because God will do it. He knows what I need like a mother who knows what her baby needs, from the clothes she buys for it to the food she feeds it. And if it’s not what I personally wanted, then I submit to Him. It is only after we delight ourselves in the Lord that He gives us the desires of our hearts (Psalm 37:4). This is because we then let go of the iron grip on our own desires! I read in a book recently that true spirituality lies in submitting the human to the divine will, not the reverse. What happens when I don’t get something I want? Do I kick and throw a hissy fit to try to get God to break down to give me what I want? (which is impossible, by the way) That is not what Jesus died to accomplish. He died so that I could submit to the Father’s will, not force my own will upon Him. God is not my servant; I am His. It is an act of mercy enough to be able to be His servant and praise Him (praise which He deserves), let me not try to turn the tables unjustly and make Him my servant.

I feel like December is the point of the year where I turn around and look at the yearlong path I’ve walked behind me. It was quite a winding and confusing one at times, but looking back on it now I can say assuredly, “It was the right one to take.” My world was turned upside down, but it had to be done, both to shatter the idolatry of my heart and to relieve my battered, heartbroken soul. At the beginning of the year I was agonizing over who I would marry in the next 2 years after I graduated and got a job. Now I am not even sure if married life is right for me. One of the most profound analogies I’ve ever heard about sanctification is that God is like a sculpter, and we are the slabs of marble. He has to chizzle and chip away all the things that are superfluous to the final sculpture, and sometimes that hurts. Sometimes we blow a gasket when He chizzles something off that we really did not want to part with. And yet, if we would just wait patiently ‘til the end, we would clearly see that that chunk of marble was not part of the final masterpiece. There are parts of the sculpture that have come into view already; I now see what God's intent was in chipping away certain things. This gives me faith for what God will do with the other parts of the sculpture, which are as yet still just a wall of untarnished marble.

I'll leave you with this song. The lyrics are very, very good. (you also might find yourself singing it afterwards, it's very catchy) I didn't post the music video for a reason. It conspicuously looks like she's topless at certain points in the video. (I like the analogy of being stripped, but you have to be discerning, lol) It's up to you whether you are able to tolerate the heavily driven synth.



Petraglia, out.